My love for newborns started when I was just a little kid. I was always the one packing around the family's newest addition at every family event I attended. In my teenage years and into my 20's I worked in childcare, caring for children of all ages. I grew so close to every one of those kiddos that came through the programs I was a part of. My favorite of my positions while working in childcare was when I ran a nursery for a local daycare. Getting to snuggle babies all day didn't even feel like a job!
I can honestly say that newborn photography is the most complex style of photography I have ever been involved with. There is something so special about capturing moments that are impossible to replicate. I pride myself in having calm, safe, and comfortable sessions. Having someone's precious miracle of life in your hands and being able to freeze the size of those tiny baby toes and the details of those precious little lips, is an unexplainable feeling. It completely fills my heart. Newborn photography can sometimes be a challenge but it is so incredibly rewarding.
⚠ Content Warning ⚠
The content below contains the topic of infant loss.
My Personal Story
At 21 years young, I gave birth to the most incredible little boy whom I named Christian.
I wish more than anything that the story just got better from there and we lived happily ever after, but unfortunately that's just not how our story goes.
My pregnancy was pretty typical up until an ultrasound I had at 16 weeks along. In most cases, the OBGYN/Midwife would wait until the appointment at 20 weeks along to find out baby's gender while they did the anatomy scan to check the development of baby's organs and body parts. I was way too impatient to wait until 20 weeks, so I paid the extra 50 bucks for a 16 week ultrasound to find out baby's gender a few weeks early. I remember having all of my family guessing the gender the day before. I had an overwhelming feeling that he was boy from the first pregnancy test. For some reason, I just knew. As I waited for them to call me back for the ultrasound, I started getting so nervous. What will I name them? What will they look like? Will I be able to see their little fingers or tiny toes? I had so much running through my mind. The ultrasound technician came out, called my name and back I went. It's no lie about how cold that blue goo is that they squirt on your belly before an ultrasound. It was ice cold. She started asking the typical questions, like, how have you been feeling? Is this your first child? Do you want a boy or girl? As I'm answering her questions, she starts to talk a little bit slower and push a little bit harder on my belly. I immediately stop talking. She stops talking as well. Now it's silent. She looks down at me and asks me to wait a moment while she goes to get the doctor. My heart sinks. I know something is wrong. This is like something from a movie. What is happening and why is it happening?
A doctor comes straight in. I ask through tears to please let me hear the heartbeat. The doctor then starts another ultrasound. A moment later, I hear it, a little heart beat. Beating so strong and right at 150 bpm. Now I'm confused. There's a strong heartbeat, why are they being so quiet? After a few seconds of listening to the heartbeat. The doctor explains that my amniotic fluid is dangerously low and I would need to be referred to the Perinatal Diagnostic Center for a more in depth ultrasound. After hearing my baby's heart going so strong, I couldn't help but feel so relived. My baby was alive. The doctor didn't say much else at all and was so vague with the answers to any of my questions. She finished the ultrasound and when I went to the front to check out they gave me a paper and told me to go straight to the Perinatal Diagnostic Center, which was just down the parking lot. As I am walking with this paper I can see a long word written at the top. I pulled my phone out on the walk over and googled it. All I remember seeing was articles relating to spina bifida. I skimmed over a few articles and read that spina bifida was a birth defect and can cause disabilities that range from mild to severe. I was perfectly okay with figuring out whatever I needed to, to get my baby all the help they needed. The doctors put me in a small room with a big screen and started another ultrasound. For over an hour they looked at my tiny baby and pointed out everything that was wrong with him. Come to find out, it was not spina bifida. His spine had just stopped developing about halfway down his back. They told me that my baby was fused to the placenta. They told me he was only developing one leg. They told me he was not producing urine which indicated that the kidneys were underdeveloped. They said there was not enough amniotic fluid. They told me he would never develop lungs. They told me he didn't have a spleen or a stomach. They told me all of these things and my brain still didn't understand. In my mind I thought, he will need some extra care and he may not walk, but that's okay. I kept looking around at all the people in the room and they could tell I was either deep in denial or blissfully ignorant. That's when the doctor looked at me and said "I suggest you terminate today. Your baby has no quality of life beyond your womb." She told me that they didn't know what had caused the developmental issues but that he would not live after birth and most likely would die in utero. Broken. That is the only word I have to describe myself that day. I screamed at the doctor to fix it. I screamed at all of them there that he would be okay. I guess I was both, deep in denial and blissfully ignorant. I never imagined anything like this could happen. I walked out of that doctor's office that day completely devastated.
I researched and researched and and decided to go see another OBGYN for a second opinion. His only words to me after the ultrasound were "You can have as many babies as you want, just not this one." Those exact words. Did he mean it maliciously, absolutely not, but did it crush me like a ton of bricks, it absolutely did. He told me that the developmental issues baby had were, in his words, "bad luck". He suggested terminating immediately because if I continued to carry it could be life threatening for me due to hemorrhaging. After I left there, I was no closer to even finding out what was exactly wrong. It was so frustrating. I was so defeated.
The Perinatal Diagnostic Center later gave me results and diagnosed my baby with Limb Body Wall Complex in addition to Amniotic Band. Even if you google it, you can't find much, especially back in 2013. All I knew was that my pregnancy was going to be my only time with him so I chose not to terminate despite the risks. Before this situation, I had no idea the statistics of infant loss or the amount of miscarriages that happen every year. I spent a lot of time educating myself. Learning the risks and trying to understand what all was happening. Continuing to carry was the decision I made for myself at the time considering all my personal circumstances. There is nothing at all easy about trying to make a decision that carrys that much weight. It has made my heart bigger and my mind more open, especially to those who are ever faced with this same, unimaginable, situation.
The next 22 weeks, I continued to go to my midwife appointments and she was always just as happy as I was to hear his heartbeat at every appointment. His heart was always beating so strong.
At almost 30 weeks along I was admitted to University of Cincinnati hospital due to pre-eclampsia. While I was there they did a fetal MRI and there they saw that he actually did have a stomach and a spleen. It also showed where his spine stopped and that he only developed normally above his waist area, they too believe this was caused by an amniotic band during the very beginning stages of fetal development and was not related to genetics. They too, told me that my baby would die in utero.
After I was full term, and yes we made it full term with a strong heartbeat, my c-section was scheduled. Baby was not low enough to push on my cervix to put my body into labor so a c-section was the only option.
I carried my son almost 38 weeks, we got almost 9 months together. There were times I wished to be pregnant forever so that I could keep him with me. The roughest part of my whole pregnancy was walking around with a pregnant belly having people congratulate me or ask when baby is due. I would fake a smile and pretend like everything was okay but I knew and my heart knew, nothing was going to be okay.
I went in at 6am on March 6, 2013. I still remember how cold the room was and how fast my heart was beating. I cried quietly as they prepped me for the surgery. This was going to be the hardest day of my life. I would finally get to meet my precious boy but I also knew our journey together was over. There is just no preparing for that.
My beautiful baby boy was born at 8:13am. He weighed 5 pounds and 14 ounces. I can't explain the feelings I had as they brought him to me. He was born quiet but alive. His strength was remarkable and his little heart made it 2 hours and 2 minutes before he passed away peacefully in my arms.
The photo above shows the exact moment the nurse pulled down the blanket from his face and he made the cutest little squeak. Almost like a sigh. It was the only noise he made and that photo froze that moment for me. I can almost hear that photo.
Life after losing Christian is a battle every day. I spent so long wondering why and honestly, I already knew there wasn't a reason that existed that would make anything any better. It has now been a little over 9 years. I still blow out his birthday candles every year. He is mine and I am his, no matter what. He changed my life in so many ways. Because of him, my world is bigger and my heart is softer.
He is my reason for newborn photography. I can only see him in photos now and those photos mean everything to me. I want to give other parents photos of their sweet babies that they can cherish forever. Every family has a story and every story is truly unique. Their journey to parenthood may be decades long or sometimes even unexpected but meeting new clients and learning about their experiences makes me feel, a little less alone. My story may not have had the ending I envisioned but I am beyond grateful for the time I had with my son and I am incredibly grateful for the impact he made on my life 9 years ago, and still today.
Newborn photos are photos that families look back on for generations. You never realize how much love you have to give until you have a child. I see my son in every baby I photograph, he will forever live through me and my work. My son will always be my little babe. 💙
-Jessica
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